The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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