Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
