She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
