hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So many bounce houses so little time
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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