I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
