it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
