In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
