I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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