my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
