My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
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All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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