dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
