So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
