Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
