I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize