I am in a vortex of obligation.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
