I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
