maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
