YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize