I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i will never coherently bang her
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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