Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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