I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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