Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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