You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
