I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
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We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
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She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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