I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
