Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We were destined to go to rehab together
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
