i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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