then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
