Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
