I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
