Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
