i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
