I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
