I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
