oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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