I cockslap morals
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
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