True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
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As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
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Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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