My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
