Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
