boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
