So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
