Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
