Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
