ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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