trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
