I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
