Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
