I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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