You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen