and i looked up. we had an audience...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
