I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
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How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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