I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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